mother’s only funny stories

By: ewhite422

Sep 19 2010

Category: Uncategorized

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I guess it’s a pet peeve of mine…some people gauge acquaintances on handshakes (and I am one of them) and others gauge people on different criteria, like hair or jewelry.  But for me, in addition to how they shake hands, I care about their funny stories.

I once was complicit in sending my best friend’s prospective suitor packing,  because when I asked him in our first meeting (she had already been out with him 3 or 4 times and now had to pass the best friend test), if he had any funny stories from his 30 year medical practice, he said, “No.”

Give me a break!   He was NOT an oncologist.

My best friend, who thinks like I do, was not impressed either.  We exchanged glances over the table.

“If he’s not funny, how can we like him,” we asked each other after our dinner meeting.  I did point out to her that she could like him, regardless of what I thought, and she said that he had to pass my inspection.

Well, I’ve complained recently that I couldn’t get any funny stories out of my mother, who will be 77 years old in November and has one sad tale after another, when asked what she remembers from her life.  But I neglected to say that years ago she did have a couple of funny stories that she enjoyed telling to my husband and me.  (I do not know if she remembers them now)

She worked for a series of prominent gynecologists in a West Texas town.

One day a well known socialite came in for her yearly check up.  She was 86 years old.  My mother and the doctor did all the usual testing, and lo and behold, the woman’s tests indicated she had a sexually transmitted disease!  My mother and her boss argued about which one of them was going to call and tell her.  My mother lost.  She placed the call.

“Ms. So and So, I need to tell you that your test indicates you have a sexually transmitted disease,” she stated.

“What!?” the doyenne exclaimed, aghast.

“Yes, ma’am,” my mother continued, “I’m sorry to have to tell you.”

Silence.

Finally, the woman said, “Well, I know just where I got it!  He was a shady character that came to the community center, and all the ladies wanted him.” she explained, “But I got him!  And now just look where it’s gotten me!”

Mother tried to keep from showing any emotion.  She was always very professional.

The woman demanded, “Well, just what do I do now?”

Mother began, “Perhaps abstinence would be in order.”

The woman reacted, “Do you know how OLD I am?”

Mother could hardly contain herself.  She got off the phone as soon as she could and laughed the rest of the day.

One more…

One of the doctors had prescribed birth control pills for an indigent woman who already had several children.  The woman called the doctor’s office a few months later incensed.

“I’m so mad, I don’t know what to do!” she told my mother, who was the head nurse and took all the doctor’s calls.  “These pills he gave me don’t work!  I’m pregnant!” she raged.

Trying to stay calm and professional, Mother asked, “Did you take one every day?”

The woman shot back, “YES!  But the damn thing kept falling out!”

I remember my mother telling these stories and laughing.  They give me a lot of comfort that she did have good times and happy memories, even though Lewy Body Disease has robbed her of much of her memory.

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